Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
