I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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