I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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