She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
