Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
