Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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