i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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