so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
