We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
