He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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