I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
