Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
