I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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