I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Randomize
