If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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