Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
