First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
