literally had 100 drinks last night.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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