the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
