My boss' voice literally gives me gas
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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