R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
