we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
