the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
