You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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