Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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