Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
