dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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