you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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