Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
