there's paper in my vomit.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I made him laugh his dick is mine
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
