Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
