So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
