when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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