The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
