I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
