I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
