I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
