Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Are my feet made of real feet?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Randomize
