I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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