One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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