just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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