News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
