i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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