I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He shit in the fireplace
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
