just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
