Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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