I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
they're like a gay fantastic four
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
