I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
