my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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