i love accidental penises.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
