The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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