I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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