Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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